


Crash and Burn

by KiraKiralina



Series: Wuthering Heights/ The Great Gatsby crossover modern au BECAUSE I CAN [1]
Category: Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald, Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë
Genre: And suicidal ideation, But not super graphic I don't think, IDK what y'all consider graphic but there's a car crash so, Oh!!, Self Harm, Some blood probably, Strong Language, Suicide, There's some violence and gore, anyway, bad life choices, oh yeah and
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-11-19 11:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11312904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiraKiralina/pseuds/KiraKiralina
Summary: There's a car crash, people blame themselves, pent up mental health issues are exposed, etc.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not clicking co-creator bc idk what that does but theheightsthatwuthered on Tumblr is 100% also responsible for this

The night is still. Crickets hum to the rustle of leaves. Fireflies waltz in the thick scent of summer, lulling sojourners in their dark fairyland to sleep.

A solitary car cuts through the countryside. Cathy rolls down her window, rolls up her window, rolls it down again in an effort to stay awake. She can't nod off behind the wheel.

Cathy glances at Heathcliff. He almost looks like a child, curled up and half asleep. All the people at the concert must have worn him out 

It's odd, him taking her to concerts, trying to be a real dad. Not odd in a bad way, but odd. 

Cathy stifles another yawn. The window's not helping. Maybe talking will.

"That was fun."

Heathcliff blinks, trying to wake up. "Hmm?"

"I said that was fun. The concert."

"Oh, right. I thought you'd like it."

Cathy raises an eyebrow. "And I thought you were supposed to be the 'attentive adult driver'."

Heathcliff sits up and rubs his face where it pressed against the window. "I am. Attentive. I'm very attentive."

Cathy laughs as she rounds the bend. "Sure." 

"You've nearly got a license, I don't have to-- _HOLY SHIT!"_

A car is driving straight at them.

Heathcliff grabs the steering wheel, but Cathy's already yanking it as far as it goes. The other car is turning, too. 

Someone screams. They're not turning fast enough. Cathy shuts her eyes. 

Metal screeches on metal. The car tilts. They lift into the air and smash back down. Something crunches. 

It's burning. Gas and rubber and cloth, all burning. Cathy gags, nearly vomits. 

Everything's upside down. They're still moving, skidding across concrete. 

Heathcliff grabs Cathy's hand. He looks calm. Resigned. She doesn't understand. 

They're heading for a ditch. They're going to crash, they're going to crash, they're going to-


	2. Chapter 2

Heathcliff is ready to die. He's ready, he’s said what he’s gonna say and he doesn’t have anyone to pray to. He’s been ready for a long time. When the car smashes into the ditch, there’s a moment, a brief half second of utter disorientation and burning rubber where he thinks it’s finally over.

But the haze fades into throbbing pain and focused surroundings, as it always does. Death cheats him once again.

Heathcliff unbuckles his seatbelt and drops, hissing slightly as his head hits the ground. Good. If he's broken his skull, maybe he'll die from a brain infection.

Heathcliff stares at his hands, not because they interest him but because he's forgetting something. Something important.

One hand is bloodier but less cut up. Weird.

What happened to his hand? The hand was further from the window, they were skidding, he grabbed Catherine's hand, and then the car--

Catherine! Of course.

Heathcliff smacks his forehead and winces. He probably did break something. "Cathy, are you alright?"

Silence. Heathcliff looks to his right and oh, that was too fast, everything's fuzzy again. 

He waits for his head to clear. Cathy's still hanging there, she's in one piece mostly, but she's still on the ceiling. No, floor. She's still in her seat, whatever that's attached to.

Her buckle must be stuck, that's it. They jam sometimes and she couldn't undo it. Obviously.

Heathcliff reaches over her and feels for the buckle. It's hard; it's too dark to see well and everything's upside down and bent and disorienting. He's nearly got it, he can feel the button but his hands keep slipping in all the blood but he's got it, he's--

Cathy tumbles to the floor--ceiling? to the ground without a noise. Well, there's a sound, falling bodies make sounds, but she doesn't say anything or yell or scream and Catherines are ALWAYS talking or yelling or something.

She might have fallen asleep. It's late, she was probably tired. Heathcliff thought not much time had passed, but time isn't flowing steady right now, it's leaping and crawling and stopping and leaping again. Maybe they were upside down for a while. She was tired; she could be asleep.

Heathcliff shakes her gently. "Cathy?"

No response. Well, she's a heavy sleeper.

Heathcliff shakes her again. "Catherine love, you've got to wake up."

Cathy's eyes open. Not in a flopping way either, in a focused way, they're focused on him. She's okay!

She looks like she's gonna talk for a second but her eyes close again.

Shit.

Shit. No.

She can't be, she can't be, she can't.

Heathcliff shakes her, slaps her, pinches her. He's yelling now, yelling for her to wake up but she's not waking up, her eyes open once or twice but she's not waking up and

There's a knocking on the glass. A sharp, quick knocking. It's loud. It cuts through.

Heathcliff doesn't let go of Cathy, he's never letting go of Cathy ever, but he looks out the window. Someone's out there, but he can't see them through the glass, the cracks and dirt are in the way. There's maybe a beard, though, a red chin beard

A red beard...

The driver. Of the other car, he had a red beard. The guy that  ~~killed~~ hurt Catherine, he has a red beard.

Before Heathcliff knows he's angry he's trying to punch him, make him hurt like Catherine is, but his hand hits the window instead because obviously there was glass there and wow, okay, that didn't work.

His hand has glassy teeth now. They're bloody, really bloody. They're drooling blood. Heathcliff thinks he should be concerned but he isn't, and the thought's distant, anyway. He ignores it.

He cannot ignore the man. The man's yelling now. It's so loud, it's very loud, there's no need to be so loud when Heathcliff's right here. Honestly.

The man's talking again, less loud but still painfully loud, and he's saying something Heathcliff can't understand.

The man pauses. He's talking slower, he's giving Heathcliff time to think. Something about help, he called something, he called an ambulance--he called an ambulance. That's good, Catherine needs an ambulance. 

The man's asking him something, he's pointing at Catherine, what does he want? He wants Catherine? 

The man's climbing inside, he's climbing through the window, he wants Catherine. 

Heathcliff braces himself. He can fight him, he can take him out if there's no glass in the way. No one's hurting Catherine, not again.

The man nudges Heathcliff aside but doesn't try to push him away, he just wants to be near Catherine's chest. The man's unbuttoning her shirt. Heathcliff tries batting his hand away but his own hands aren't working great and the man brushes him off.

Catherine's chest is more colorful than Heathcliff expected, bruises usually take more time to blossom. There's no big gaping mother wound but there's lots of smaller cuts, they're bleeding a lot. Too much. Heathcliff knows how much cuts like that should bleed and it's not that much.

The man's saying long words, words Heathcliff usually understands. Important medical words. The man's saying something about bleeding--bruising? breaking? Lungs are involved somehow. Something with lungs and blood.

The man's using Cathy's shirt to press on her chest. Heathcliff would push him away but that's the right thing to do, put pressure on it. Stop the bleeding, not try shaking her awake. Right.

Heathcliff looks for another wound, another place Catherine's bleeding out, but he can't find any. She's cut all over but there's nothing bleeding as much as her chest. 

The man's talking at him again. Heathcliff listens until he realizes it's about himself. 

The man wants to look at him. At his head? His head is bleeding.

Heathcliff does bat him away this time. The man looks agitated but Heathcliff doesn't care, as long as he's helping Catherine. He can bleed out. He'd like to bleed out.

Heathcliff holds Catherine's hand tight, as tight as he can. In case some piece of her is awake and scared after all.

Heathcliff would like to bleed out as long as Cathy doesn't bleed out first.


	3. Chapter 3

Paramedics can't do their thing if you're clinging to the hurt person. They can't really do it if you're holding their hand, either, not when it's serious.

The problem with declaring something like "I'm not letting go of you ever" is that, when the paramedics come, do you break your word or risk killing someone?

Silly question, right?

Catherine's own safety is the only thing that could possibly remove Heathcliff from her side. first by the paramedics themselves and later by the trauma surgeon. Family isn't allowed in operating theaters.

The doctors want to look at Heathcliff, too, and as soon as security--forcefully, but kindly--stops him from trailing the gurney, he lets them. He might as well; Cathy will be in surgery for a while.

Before they stitch him together, a woman with a clipboard asks him questions. Lots of questions.

The woman doesn't look up from her writing when she speaks. "Any previous medical history?" 

Heathcliff sighs. "We've done this already."

The woman repeats herself. She's been talking too long and too loud and the room's too bright and Heathcliff's getting snippy.

"She's fine. She was fine. I mean she's broken things but not recently."

"Could you describe the nature of those breaks, sir?"

Heathcliff lets out a long, strangled sigh. The woman waits for a moment, decides not to push and moves on.

"Why were you driving in the left hand lane?"

Heathcliff's head snaps up. "Because that's the lane you drive in, obviously. Why was the other man on the right side?"

The woman pauses. "You're not from here, are you?"

"No, I'm British."

The woman looks up from the clipboard. What on Earth is she--

Oh.

Right.

You drive on the other side in America, you drive on the right hand side. 

They'd been the ones in the wrong lane.

There's more questions, but Heathcliff's not paying attention. He  ~~killed~~ hurt Catherine, not the bearded man, not some drunk, he did.

The woman has mostly given up on him now, she's asking for contact information. Sure, she can have Nick's number. And Nelly's. And Obama's. Heathcliff doesn't care.

He killed Catherine. Fuck.

How's he supposed to tell Hareton that? That he basically crashed the cars himself? How does he tell Nelly that he, the designated attention payer, fell asleep and forgot which continent they were on? How's he tell them Catherine's dead?

What's next? Who's he gonna hurt next? 

Linton? Linton's fragile, you breathe on him wrong and he's sick. One mistake and he's gone.

Pammy's tiny, tiny enough to step on if you walk too fast.

Fuck, he could kill them all.

He can't stay here, he can't talk to them. He can't see their faces.

Heathcliff leaves. The nurse is calling after him but he doesn't stop. He wanders out the door and into some courtyard lawn thing. There's a path and trees and benches and all around pieces of hospital.

Heathcliff almost sits on a bench but they might walk through here, he can't see them. He sits against a wall instead, blocked from view by a bush.

He didn't know he was gonna cut himself until he pulled out the knife, and he didn't know he was gonna kill himself until he started cutting.

It's so easy, really, to slice the flesh apart. And it's easy to press a little harder, go a little farther. Soon he's hacking, he's just hacking at his wrist and he doesn't hit an artery but it should work anyway, veins bleed too. 

Heathcliff leans back. He's curled on his arm, facing away from the path. He doesn't want the kids to get scared if they find him. No, that's the last thing he wants. He wants them okay, that's the only reason he's doing this. The only reason.

He hopes Joseph's right about him going to hell. He couldn't tell bear to tell Catherine's parents about how he failed their daughter.


	4. Chapter 4

Someone is shaking Hareton awake. Hareton is tired, the room is dark, it's a Saturday, and he couldn't be more dead to the world.

The shaking stops. Hareton almost falls asleep again before his blankets are yanked away. 

He yanks them right back. Linton screams in pain and Hareton's up. 

"Fuck, man, I'm sorry." 

Linton shakes his head. "It's fine."

Linton's shoulder is out of joint. Again.

Linton starts messing with his arm while Hareton kicks the clothes in his floor around, looking for something clean but mostly trying to not look at Linton. No matter how often he sees it, Hareton is still a little wiggy about dislocations.

"We're going to hospital," Linton pushes how shoulder back in with a loud pop. "Just so you know."

Hareton pulls a shirt over his head. "Why?"

"I dunno."

Linton kneels and starts looking through the clothing. "Nelly's in a state, she won't say anything."

"Huh."

Linton hands Hareton a pair of jeans. "We leave in five minutes."

"Wait!--"

Linton walks out the door.

***

They never came home.

Something happened last night--this morning?--to Heathcliff and Cathy and they never came home.

Nelly gave a run down once they started driving, but she didn't know much. There was an accident, and Cathy's in the operating room, and it's pretty bad.

Hareton almost wishes she hadn't said anything, at least before it could've been something like a broken leg.

But that's not really an emergency trip to hospital, now is it?

At least no one's dead ~~yet.~~ Cathy is still alive, and Heathcliff's in one piece. They're okay. They're gonna be okay. They gotta be okay.

Hareton glances at Linton, who hasn't stopped staring at his feet since he buckled up. The only sign he's still breathing is his leg which has been bouncing the whole car ride. It's driving Hareton out of his mind but he doesn't dare ask Linton to stop.

Hareton doesn't dare say anything at all. He can taste the tension in the air, the atmospheric pressure holding everyone together. Speaking could break the spell and then it's crying and yelling and praying through his teeth and maybe crashing--

No. No, they'll be fine. Cathy's alive, Heathcliff's okay, they'll be okay. Nelly would have warned him if Cathy was dying, emergency surgery means she's got a shot. She'll be okay. 

They'll be okay.

***

Hareton sticks with Nelly as they enter the hospital. Linton collapses in a chair and Jay shows Pammy the fish and Nick is calling Jordan but Hareton can't wait for Nelly to frame it up neatly with proverbs and cautious optimism first, he needs to know everyone's okay. 

Nelly gives an apologetic smile to the woman behind the desk. "Excuse me?"

The woman looks up from her computer. "Hello."

"We're here to see Cathy Earnshaw?"

The woman's nails make a sharp click clacking against the computer keys. "I'm sorry, she's still in surgery."

That's not good but it's expected. Nelly takes a deep breath. "Okay. Can we see Heathcliff?"

Click clack.

"Last name?"

"Also Heathcliff."

Silence.

The woman squints at Nelly. "Heathcliff Heathcliff? First and last?"

"Yeah, it's a long story."

Click clack.

"I'm sorry, he left."

Nelly blinks. "What?"

"He left against medical advisement."

He left Cathy? 

Nelly hardens ever so slightly. "He just left?"

The woman nods. "We can't force treatments on people unless they're declared mentally unfit to make decisions."

Mentally unfit...

Nelly adjusts her glasses. "Okay. Do you know where he went?"

The woman shakes her head. "No ma'am."

The pieces snap together.

Hareton grabs Nelly's arm. "We gotta find him."

Nelly's frowns and shakes free. "I  _know_ that."

"No, _now._ Like _right now."_

Nelly stares at him for a second like he's grown another head, then her eyes widen and she shakes her head. " _No_. No no no. He _wouldn't!"_

Hareton's already sprinting for the door with Nick close behind. It's a big hospital, it's a just-outside-New-York-City hospital, and it's for a lot of ground to cover.

A _lot_ of ground.

Hareton's legs are pumping under him, pounding the ground and bruising the lawn and not half fast enough.

The courtyard has a soft urban glow to it but not half enough light if you're looking for a dumbass in grey who doesn't wanna see found.

Then there's a shout, a different sort of shout than the kind they'd been shouting.

Nick's bent over something behind a tree.

They found him.


	5. Chapter 5

Nick's bent over Heathcliff, Nick's talking to Nelly and Jay, and Jay's sprinting. Nelly has an arm around Linton and Pammy on her hip and she's talking to Hareton, so is Nick and Nick's trying to block him--

Hareton nearly mows Nick down and it really is Heathcliff, they're okay everything's okay and there's _blood_ \--

There's blood. Too much blood. More than walk out of the hospital blood and there's a knife and Nick's got Heathcliff's wrist in a death grip and fuck, Hareton kinda thought maybe but fuck, _fuck_...

No one's talking, Linton's sobbing but that's it, everything's quiet and dead and so is

_No_

Jay's running back now and so are two people in official looking scrubs, one of em's got a gurney and they're taking Heathcliff and 

they're gone again, Heathcliff is gone and they're covered in his blood and Linton is still sobbing

***

Linton grunts in protest as a nurse pulls him off Heathcliff. She plops Linton on the ground and starts doing important looking things with clipboards and IVs.

Hareton helps Linton up and they walk towards Cathy's room. 

Hareton clears his throat. "How's he doing?"

"Okay for a dead ma--"

_"He is not!"_

Linton shrugs. "Fine."

Hareton gives Linton a dirty look but Linton's tired, he's at least as tired as Hareton and his eyes are puffy from crying, too, and Hareton's

"Sorry, I'm sorry for snapping, I--" 

Hareton stops, his throat tight.

Linton smiles wanly. "It's alright. Two minutes isn't a long time, you know. Plenty of people die for longer and walk out just fine."

"It's just--" Hareton's voice cracks. 

He takes a deep breath. "It's just that they said the thing about his brain."

Linton's eyes darken, but he waves the concern away. "He'll be okay. They're not even sure his brain _is_  damaged, and even if it is, not everyone ends up with permanent neurocognitive deficits."

Hareton stares at him. Linton stares back for a moment, then laughs.

"Sorry. They gave you the worst case scenario, but there's a good chance that won't happen."

Hareton nods. "Okay. Thanks."

Linton forces another smile. "And Cathy's doing great! All things considered, anyway. She'll wake up properly soon."

Hareton wraps his arm around Linton, who makes a quiet sobbing sound. 

"They'll be alright."

Linton nods and dashes at his eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

Hareton watches Cathy's chest rise and fall through half shut eyes. 

It's been a long day, and he's tired. Maybe just a couple minutes...

Something twitches and he jumps up, fully awake. Was that..?

Yes, yes it was. Cathy is wincing and rolling her shoulders and looking around and Hareton launches himself at her but catches himself before he tackles her, and gives her a gentle hug instead.

Cathy hugs him back!! She hugs him back as well as she can and he kisses her and he pulls away just enough for them to talk.

They don't talk, though, not right away. Cathy's mind is fuzzy and Hareton's mind is singing and she's awake, she's finally awake--

"What happened?"

Hareton thuds back down to earth so fast it physically hurts. He doesn't wanna break this to her, not yet.

"What do you remember?"

Cathy blinks. "There was... we crashed, right? On our way home?"

"Yeah."

Hareton rubs little circles on her hand. Cathy's distant, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember.

She jerks up and yelps and freezes and asks "is Heathcliff okay?"

He should lie, she just woke up he should lie it's too soon she needs time but he can't think of a lie and even if he could

"Not really."

And her face crumbles and the words are falling out of his mouth, blunt and hard and heavy and real, too real, and 

"I gotta see him."

Hareton stops. She's got her stubborn face ~~he thought he'd never see that again~~ and she's actually serious. 

"Cathy, he's not even awake ye--"

 _"_ I _gotta_ see him _._  Hareton, _I was driving."_

"Cathy--"

Cathy yanks on the tube in her arm.

"the fuck are you  _doing? Catherine!!"_

"I  _told_ you, I  _gotta see him!"_

Hareton grabs her wrists and she's not strong like she was last week, she's week and tired and stops fighting and Hareton waits for the tears to start but they don't.

She rolls over.

"Cathy--"

There's no sarcasm, no yelling, no surprise burst for freedom, she's just quiet.

 She's sulking.

"Cathy, I'm sorry. I should have waited..."

No reply. Is she asleep?

No, she's awake, she's blinking back tears. 

That's cool, she just woke up, it's a lot.

Hareton strokes her hair. His fingers get caught in snares but he keeps stroking anyway. Every now and then, she makes a little strangled crying noise.

She's fine, she just needs time, she's fine

***

Bright lights.

...

More lights. Pain?

...

Someone beside him, someone small. 

...

Nelly's voice, soft and low. Someone beside him and pain inside him and light, blinding bright light...

He opens his eyes and shuts them again, it's bright, too bright and Nelly's voice changes, sounds more like herself and the someone beside him is shifting...

"Heathcliff?"

No more talking. They're waiting. They're waiting for  _him._  

"What happened?"

His tongue is heavy and the words come out funny and for a moment he's worried that they couldn't understand him

But then there's another voice, Linton's. "You don't remember?"

Does he? No, he doesn't. 

Nelly's voice, now. "Maybe that's for the best. Heathcliff, there was an accident--"

 _That_ gets his attention. He tries sitting up but his arm isn't working and it's practically mummified and wow, what the hell happened?

Nelly's got her hand on his shoulder pushing him down, not firmly but he's too tired to fight her and what really matters is

"Is everyone okay?"

The light's still blinding but he needs to see if she's lying and she's--

Oh fuck please don't be crying. No, no, no

She's turning away and holy shit, holy shit they're all dead but

Linton's laughs. " _You're_ not."

Oh. 

Okay. Maybe that's it.

No, he's still talking.

"Cathy's banged up but she's alright."

Mmm hmm. Just gonna let him figure out who died, then. Process of elimination. Great. Fun. So fun. 

Heathcliff tries sitting up again, using his other arm this time. "So who's dead, then?"

Nelly either starts laughing or crying, it's hard to tell. 

Linton's sitting next to him and smiling but not with his eyes. "No one's dead. You really don't remember anything?"

Heathcliff shakes his head and wow, okay, his head aches and that was a bad idea.

Nelly's back, she's on the other side of him, she's got her arm around him and she's holding his hand, the one on the hurt arm and she's not looking at anything, she's just holding him.

That's okay. He doesn't mind. 

Linton clears his throat. "Remember the concert? You took Cathy to a concert."

"I remember  _planning_ to go to one."

Linton's leaning into him and he weighs a lot more than he usually does and he's saying "the car crashed on the way home, the other guy was okay."

Huh.

"Did I have my arm out the window?"

Linton's blinking fast. "No, you--"

His voice cuts out in a strangled kind of way  

Nelly's voice is low and careful and a little raw. "You were fine. You were both tired, and you were on the wrong side of the road."

Shit. 

" _How_  bad was Cathy hurt?"

Linton makes a strange sad kind of sound and Nelly's holding him tighter and "was I driving? I wasn't asleep, was I? What ha--"

"Dad!" 

Thudding footsteps and arms around him and a quiet "fuck, we were so scared."

Hareton sits on the foot of the bed with a tired sort of smile and 

"How's Catherine?"

The smile slips a little. 

Fuck.

"She's sulking. She wants to see you."

"Oh."

Sulking it's good, sulking is okay, sulking is breathing and thinking and remembering.

Hareton rubs his face. "She, ah, she kinda thinks this is her fault. She was driving--"

"She doesn't even have her license, Hareton, this was  _my_ fault--"

" _Speaking of,"_ Nelly cuts in, "You walked away."

"What?"

He walked away from Catherine? 

"From the crash. You were fine, mostly, but you did hit your head pretty hard."

Everyone looks at him very seriously. 

He's missing something. He was okay? He walked away. Just his head.

"Then why am I in the hospital?"

Hareton takes a deep breath. "We don't know what happened exactly, we got here a little late."

Heathcliff sits patiently.

Hareton stares at the floor. "I mean-- no, we, uhm, we found; that is, we thought--"

"You tried to kill yourself," Linton blurts out.

What. 

Nelly traces the web of scars on his arm. "We found you in the courtyard behind a bush. You slit your wrist."

"A lot," Hareton says. "It looked like ground beef."

Nelly squeezes his hand. "We nearly lost you, Heathcliff, you were dead for two minutes."

She's crying again, they're all crying and yeah, he's thought about it a lot, and it wouldn't be the first time and he almost killed Cathy and holy fuck, that is very much something he would do.

He tried to kill himself.

And was he really wrong? They'd be better off without him, he causes so much pain.

But he can't ask them that, they're all so sincere and they love him and holy fuck they  _love_ him  _that's_ the problem and they shouldn't, it'll just hurt them but it feels good, in a selfish way and he's too tired to argue right now and they're all so  _sad..._

No, it can wait.


	7. Chapter 7

Hareton gives a tiny sigh of relief when the car stops in the driveway. 

Cathy doesn't bolt for the door the way he thought she would. It took an hour to get her into the car, and the whole ride home she kept gasping and yelping and sobbing.

Hareton climbs out and waits for her.

Nothing.

He sticks his head back in. "Cathy?"

She's still shaking in the back seat. Does she not know they're home?

Hareton takes her by the hand and pulls her gently. She winces, but she finally starts moving and they're out and they're home.

They're home, right?

Hareton has an arm around her waist, steading and pushing her. Nick takes her arm and helps her up the stairs.

Hareton thanks him. Cathy doesn't. 

She doesn't laugh or roll her eyes or say she's  _fine,_ thank you very much. She doesn't even look at Nick.

Hareton leads her to the sofa. She half falls into the cushion and stares at the floor. Is she gonna cry?

No, she's just staring.

Hareton plops down next to her. "Long ride, huh?"

Nothing.

"Are you still mad at me?"

Still nothing.

"Are you tired? You want to go lie down?"

Finally, a nod. 

 Hareton offers his hand. 

She won't take it. Is she pissed?

Oh, no, she's taking it now, just slowly.

Hareton leads her to her room and watches her collapse on her bed. He watches her for a few minutes, but she's not moving.

"Cathy?"

Nothing.

"Um, let me know if you need something. I'll be nearby."

Still nothing.

Hareton closes the door behind him, just in time to hide his tears.

***

She can't cry.

Cathy waits and waits but she can't cry. 

She'd like to for once, she wouldn't fight the tears this time, crying would be better than this emptiness.

Hell,  _anything_ would be.

She rolls over, tries getting her arse on the bed and something in her abdomen screams in pain and it feels good

It feels _good_?

What the hell?

She'd like to question it but she can't, she's empty again and ripping her up inside more than a car could and fuck, fuck--

She pinches herself, on the inside of her elbow and she's pinching again but this time her nails catch a scab and she shouldn't but she's digging her nails under and it feels so _good--_

No. _No!_

She can't do this, she can't go down this road. She pulls away her hand and her elbow's bleeding, just a little bit but that's too much and holy _fuck_

She can't do this, not after--

She's pinching herself again.

***

Cathy doesn't leave her room until nighttime. She pretended to be sleeping whenever someone came by to check on her, and more often than not she really  _was_ sleeping. 

She nearly broke when Hareton kissed her goodnight, nearly started crying, but she didn't, not until he was gone.

Oh fuck, she can't do this to him.

It's dark now, and either it's pretty late or everyone went to bed early. 

This is good. It's good, right?

Why does this feel so wrong?

She stumbles into the hall and grits her teeth, waiting for someone to burst into the hall.

No one does.

She sits in relief, or she tries to, but it comes out a bit jagged.

Oh, so  _this_ is when the tears come? 

No, no. She's just gonna get some food. That's all.

There's goldfish in the pantry, and bananas in the fridge, and a knife in the drawer, and Nutella left out on the counter.

Cathy pads back upstairs, feeling a bit foolish. Goldfish and bananas? How old is she, three?

She  _wants_ to be three. She didn't kill people when she was three, or claw at her elbow when she was three.

Back in her room she eats her meal. She eats with her hands, even the Nutella which is funny because she brought a knife to eat it with.

She picks up the knife, and oddly enough it's not a butter knife, it's a very pointy paring knife and it feels so nice on her fingers--

No. This is for the Nutella.

Except her fingers are bleeding, she cut herself on accident and she needs a band-aid and those are in the bathroom so she goes to the bathroom 

And in the bathroom she tries opening the cabinet with Band-Aids but there's already something in her hand, there's a knife in her hand and she brought the knife, brought the knife to her skin and she's cutting, she's cutting into her arm and she wants to stop, something in her is screaming stop but she keeps  _cutting_

The lines sting but don't bleed until they do and oh, there's blood, that's more blood than she expected and she's reaching for the bandages again and she's dabbing at the blood and stuffing the toilet paper into the trash and please, please don't anyone see.

She's gotta go, she's gotta get outta here but she can't leave the knife but she can't  _take_ the knife and she's slipping it into her makeup bag under the eyeshadow and she's putting everything back

and she's walking away, back to her room for a long sleeve shirt, she can't let them see, they'll worry. 

Just a comfy long sleeve shirt.

The Gryffindor one should work, it's red already if something bleeds through and she's crawling into bed and turning off the light and the tears can come now, she's done they can come but they don't, they don't come

It's a long time before she falls asleep.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Pizza.

Cathy  _likes_ pizza.

Or, she did.

Everyone's staring at her. 

Why can't she eat?

She's not hungry, that's it, that's all.

She wasn't hungry this morning, either, 

Or yesterday.

Or the day before.

Why not?

People are supposed to get hungry, right? 

So why isn't she?

And even if she's not hungry, why can't she just eat the damn pizza? 

Everyone's staring, they're worried.

C'mon, Cathy. Do it, Cathy.

Do it for them.

Cathy takes a bite of pizza and it burns her mouth and it's heavy and greasy and her stomach's churning but they're happy, they're so relieved and her nails dig into her thighs and she swallows, she swallows, she did it, she's done.

Why are they still staring?

Jay frowns. "Aren't you hungry?"

No, no she isn't, but she should be. She shrugs.

They did this last night, and the night before, but she just isn't hungry. She ate cereal this morning, isn't that enough?

They're glancing at each other, Nelly's hanging her head, can't she just take one more bite?

But her throat's burning and her stomach's rolling and she really can't, she can't.

She stands up to leave, she's walking away and they're calling her name, calling after her but she can't, she can't and she's leaning on the counter, waiting for her stomach to settle and 

There's arms around her, arms around her waist and they're pushing on her stomach, please no, please no don't and they're pulling her in, they're pulling her into Hareton and he's holding her.

Hareton stands there for a second and she can't, she can't take this and he's rubbing her back and

"we're worried about you," and

don't cry Cathy, don't cry, and

"You're-- you've been acting a bit like Heathcliff, and"

Don't, Cathy, stop, stop pinching yourself, Cathy, and

"You can see how  _that_ turned out, and"

No, no, her stomach's heaving, and

"We're just worried about you."

And she's pushing away and walking to the bathroom, and

Why did she pass the downstairs one?

And Hareton's not chasing her, no one is, they're just standing there and watching her, watching her leave and

She's walking into the bathroom now, she's shutting the door, she's throwing up and it's pizza but mostly bile and really she shoulda been hungry, why wasn't she hungry?

Oh, no, she forgot to lock the door again and she locks it and shit, she's stumbling back to the toilet and more bile and she's sinking to the ground, she's sinking to the ground and holding herself and sobbing, and

She's rolling up her sleeve, and

She's digging her nails into the cuts, she has long nails and they're tearing her up, they're tearing her apart and she's soaking up blood with toilet paper and

She never understood Heathcliff, she never understood the silence and the not eating and the cutting but she thinks maybe, just maybe 

Maybe she understands him now.

***

Visiting hours are much more restricted in the ~~loony bin~~ mental ward, so Heathcliff's been seeing less of everyone.

Maybe that's for the best.

It's just Nick today, Nick and a smile and a "hey, Heathcliff" and a surge of anger.

Why is he so angry?

"Hello, Nicholas."

Shouldn't he be thanking him?

Nick sighs. "You're mad at me, aren't you?"

Yes.

"No."

Nick smiles. "It's alright, I know this is hard--"

"I'm  _not_ mad at you."

Nick throws up his hands. "Okay, okay."

They sit in silence for a moment. 

Heathcliff's rehearsed this a dozen times but his throat's so tight and oh, fuck, the window's passing

"Nick, listen."

Nick's listening, he's been listening the whole time and

"What happened to Cathy was my fault."

 Nick sags. "Heathcli--"

"Lemme finish. What happened to her was my fault, I nearly killed her-- Nick, I nearly  _killed_ her, and I dunno how but I know, I  _know_ i gotta keep the kids safe. We both do."

"Yeah, bu--"

"And i pose a threat to them. I dunno how or why but I  _know_ I'm bad for them. The best thing to do is--"

_"Heathc--"_

_"The best thing to do_ is keep me away from them."

Nick opens his mouth, closes it, leans closer to Heathcliff.

Heathcliff's throat's tight and his eyes are burning and no,  _fuck_ no, he  _cannot_ cry he's got a  _point_ to make and

Nick's reaching into his pocket. "I nearly forgot."

He's handing Heathcliff a folded up paper. "Pammy asked me to give you this."

Heathcliff's smoothing it over his knee and it's a crayon drawing, all scribbles and sticks and it's either a horse or Pammy hugging him but the hearts would suggest the second one and 

"Thanks."

He's dashing away tears and his voice is thick and Nick's smiling, the clever bastard, he's smiling and he  _knows_ what he's doing but Heathcliff's so tired and Nick's doing it so well and

"They'd be heartbroken if you left."

"Doesn't mean I'm wrong."

"No."

They're quiet for a bit. Heathcliff doesn't trust his voice.

Nick changes the subject and Heathcliff nods and smiles but he doesn't hear a word.


	9. Chapter 9

"No."

His voice sounds hollow and cold in the parking garage.

"Heathcliff--"

"I said _no."_

Linton sighs from the back seat of Nelly's old Honda. "Are you scared of the car or something?

Heathcliff gives him a dirty look. "Linton, stay out of this."

Heathcliff  _is_ afraid of the car, but that's not the problem. 

"Nelly, I--"

A van honks at them as it drives by. Rude.

"I'm a danger to the children."

Nelly leans against the car. " _This_ again?"

Stay calm, don't yell, don't cry. Heathcliff takes a deep breath and counts the gum on the concrete. One, two--

"Yes, this. I nearly killed one, Nelly. I've given this a lot of thought and I think it's best for them I stay away."

" _I_ don't think it's best you--"

Nelly holds up her hand. "Linton, stay out of this. And it was an accident, Heathcliff, it's not like you ran at her with an axe."

Heathcliff keeps his eyes trained on the ground. "I may as well have. Nelly, I forgot what  _continent_ we're on."

"That's completely di--"

 _"Stay out of this, Linton,"_ they say in unison. 

Nelly laughs. Linton huffs and turns his back to them.

"That's negligence, isn't it? Abuse?"

The garage doesn't mask the thickness of his voice the way he'd hoped. 

"It's illegal to take me back, right? Isn't that against the law?"

Nelly's face softens a bit. She puts her arm around his waist.

No.

She's leading him to the car, and he's sitting down, this is his chance to run and he's  _sitting down._

Nelly slams the door shut. He's still got time, he could make it.

Nelly pulls her own door closed and starts the car. Maybe he could jump out still but the car's going faster, it's faster and they're in the road and he missed his chance. He had a chance to save his kids and he missed it, the bastard. 

Fucking twat. 

Bu--

"Wanna turn on the radio?"

Heathcliff jumps a little at the sound, but Nelly and Linton don't say anything.

He sighs. "Sorry?"

"The radio. You wanna listen to music?"

Oh.

"Uh, sure."

Nelly gestures to the radio. 

Um.

Heathcliff touches the buttons, but he doesn't push. 

"What music do you listen to?"

Nelly shrugs. "I don't listen to much, honestly."

What.

Okay, it's okay. She doesn't have a preference, that's not a big deal, he can choose one and why is this making him cry, this isn't hard, and

"Hey Linton? You still just listen to classical?"

Linton smiles sweetly. "Oh, I think I should stay out of this."

Ha.

Nelly sighs. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Heathcliff, just listen to what you like." 

"No, that's..."

Don't cry don't cry don't cry

"I just listen to everything."

"Fine, I can do it."

Nelly reaches for the radio and Heathcliff's screaming and swatting her hand away and he's yelling something about  _look at the goddamn road_ and Nelly's looking very concerned and Linton is making his scared face and holy  _fuck_ what just happened.

The only sound is the whimpering noise Linton makes when he tries not to cry but can't quite.

What just happened?

He shoulda walked away.

Heathcliff takes a moment, tries to swallow the lump in his throat. "Nelly, I'm sorry."

Nelly doesn't look at him. "You don't have to apologise."

Heathcliff would argue but he doesn't trust his voice.

They spend the rest of the car ride in silence.

***

Hareton's sitting on the front step, Pammy in his lap. 

He shouldn't be.

Heathcliff braces himself, then steps out of the car. 

He should run, remove himself.

Hareton's setting Pammy down, he's running to meet him, Pammy's doing her best and that's awfully fast for her she could trip on the pavement and Hareton's smacking into him, arms around him, hugging him.

He didn't run.

He hugs Hareton back and he didn't run.

He kneels to hug Pammy and he didn't run.

He has a kid on his hip and another he's hugging and a third hugging  _him_ and he didn't run, he didn't run.

Nelly's smiling at them, she's waiting by the door and smiling, she's watching as the kids are sentenced to death and she's smiling, she's smiling

And Hareton is nudging him, tugging at his sleeve, pulling him indoors and Linton's leaning on him and Pammy  _is_ on him and they're inside and Jay's hugging him in his clumsy way and Nick's hugging him in his graceful way and no one is acknowledging the very obvious danger he posts to the children, no one's pulling them away and shoving him out, no one's

Joseph spits at him.

Well, at least  _some_ one has it right.

Nelly's tussling with Joseph and Linton's in a chair half asleep and Jay's got Pammy and Nick's still talking and Hareton's hugging him

but something is wrong, something besides the very obvious wrong that he is. 

Catherine's missing.

Nelly said she was still ill but it was in her guarded voice, the voice she uses when she's hiding something she thinks will upset you.

Catherine's missing.

Nick's wrapping up, Heathcliff didn't hear a word but he's nodding and smiling and he gives Hareton a final tight squeeze and says he's gonna go say hi to Cathy.

It's a big-- no, it's a huge house, and Heathcliff shouldn't know where Cathy is. He might guess she's in her room. She's ill, she's sleeping, of  _course_ she's in her room but he passes her room without knocking, walks straight to the kids' bathroom and 

He knocks.

There's a little gasp and shuffling sounds but no reply. 

He shouldn't be worried, he has no reason to be worried but he's trying the door anyway and

The door's unlocked and Cathy's on the floor and she's looking at him with scared wet eyes she's got a knife,  _she's got a knife_

and he's grabbing the knife by the fucking blade and she lets him and he's throwing it in the sink and she's not saying anything, she's not fighting at all and he's wicked for thinking this but he's glad she isn't, he's too tired to fight her

The cuts aren't deep-- no, that one is, but not stitches deep.

Heathcliff holds out his hand. "Antiseptic."

Cathy fumbles a bit but hands him the tube.

He squeezes a little into the deep gash, then rubs some over her whole arm.

"Bandage, a big one."

Cathy hands him the kind meant for skinned knees and he's really hoping he's right about the stitches, this one could go either way.

"Bandage, a normal one. Two."

Cathy stares for a moment but hands over two standard sizes ones, it's probably not necessary but there's a couple that go shallow then deep, and Heathcliff is being careful.

He pulls her sleeve back down. 

They don't move for a minute. Cathy's crying and he might be, too. He pulls her into him and holds her tight like he should have from the very start and

Did he do this to her?

He's petting her hair and rubbing her hands and rocking her a little and

What if he hadn't, what if he hadn't cut himself? Would she be okay?

He's trying not to cry, he's trying so hard not to cry and he's got his face in her hair and

Could this really happen overnight?

He missed something, he knows he missed something and he doesn't know what, but he missed something and she's hurting for it and 

And they can't stay in the bathroom holy shit, the fuck was he thinking and he's picking her up, she's heavy and it hurts his arm but he picks her up like she's Pammy and he's not gonna drop her, he's nervous for a second but he's not gonna drop her 

He makes it down the stairs like that somehow, he makes it down the stairs and sets her down on a couch and he sets himself down too

He's got his arms around her and she's leaning into him and he's never letting go, he's never letting go of her


End file.
